Here's an intro: Never thought I would start writing serious stuff that wasn't about me being pissed off. There are times of quiet in my life and I figured why not start a reflection blog? No one's going to read it anyway. It is a gateway between the world I live in and the feelings that arise from those experiences.
I never thought that I would get homesick...truth is I'm not really "homesick"...I'm more "people" sick. By being alone I had hoped to discover and grow within myself. I'll give it its entirety for the results. One question I thought of today is what does it mean to "find one's self"? Perhaps I am a horrible person or stupid who can't figure out who I am...
In all of this I starting biking, and in essence exploring the world around me. Yesterday I biked on a trail along the river. All I can say is I wish I had my camera because every view was beautiful. In a way it is nice to see such beauty when so many other things are not so beautiful. I wish I could bike all day long because it is such a release from life on campus. The few people here on campus are those either I am strangers to or else they are supposed friends that won't make time for a hello. When I am on campus I feel reserved, quiet, shy, 10 thousand levels below everyone else. When I bike, I am free and do not feel alone.
There are 2 times when I never feel lonely: 1. When I teach swim lessons on Mondays. 2. When I bike.
believe it or not I feel lonely even when surrounded by my closest friends. They always say they love hanging with me and they even joke about me "being on crack" or "being drunk"...haha laugh it up. Yeah it's funny sometimes...but other times it's as though no one can take me seriously. I admit I am a silly person...but I am I like that normally or is it an act?
Yesterday I told someone I wasn't looking for a relationship. while that is true to an extent, I would like a relationship. Obviously I haven't found anyone to have that with currently but I really hope to because sometimes I feel that, that might be "the cure". Who knows.
In three weeks, when it is all over, I hope to write here and say how changed of a person I am and how I "found myself". I hope that whatever depression or crazy chemical mishap in my brain subsides because once it does I will feel better. :)
